Well, I did it. Over the weekend, I unfriended 1000 ‘friends’ on Facebook. I hate doing this kind of thing, but it had been needing done for, frankly, years.
One of my former neighbours encouraged me to join Facebook in 2007 when I was a stay-at-home Mum so that we could arrange coffee mornings, etc. with other online mums, and throw sheep at each other (any vintage Facebook user will know what I mean by that). I wasn’t keen; I prefer to speak to folks in order to arrange social events but I did it anyway (actually, she registered an account for me!).
Back in the day, there were strategy games that you could play on Facebook, and I used to get quite hooked on them (especially Castle Age and Mafia Wars!) whilst the kids were at school. In order to expand your ‘gang’ you had to befriend the other gang members (this seems so wrong typing this, but it is what used to happen, so you could send amazing things like energy, or more lives, to your game-mates. I know, sad, isn’t it?). Admittedly, I was very, very careful about what information I revealed about myself and my family, even whereabouts I lived – I had my profile as minimal and private to all but anyone I knew (which, in the early days was my neighbour, some of her friends, and a couple of other mums I knew locally).
Over the years, I have shed all of the fake ‘friends’ I first gleaned in 2008 – indeed, when I stopped playing the online games (I got bored of them), I unfriended most of them. However, the circle of people I knew in real life was growing on social media, and then I would get requests from ‘mutual friends’ (most of whom I had to check with the mutual friend first as to what the person was like!). The number of local friends requests mushroomed when I ran the Scripture Union summer holiday club every year – I gullibly accepted them all. Often the sender would be all charming until they knew their child’s place on the holiday club (which many viewed as a babysitting service) was confirmed and then, when you met them in the street afterwards, they would make out as if they hadn’t seen me (when it was obvious that they had). This would then be repeated year after year – sometimes with the same parents, sometimes new ones. Not very nice to be used that way. I had been bullied at one of the small private schools I had gone to, and this smacked of much the same thing – it didn’t feel great.
At the weekend, I decided that enough was enough. I am rarely on Facebook these days. I was aware that I had over 1400 ‘friends’ – most of them I knew in real life, some were ‘mutuals’, and others had, sadly, deceased. As I have mentioned before, I am weaning myself off social media (Twitter is off my phone and is about to become a thing of the past for me) and so, for a variety of reasons, I decided to start pruning down my ‘friends list’.
Those who had passed away went first. There is literally no point in posting updates to a dead person’s Facebook feed. Sadly, there were a few of these, through my cancer links and through other fundraisers that I have been involved in over the years. I will remember them, just not through a now-ghostly Facebook page.
Second, the ‘mutuals’ went, or at least some of them. Particularly the ones with whom I had never communicated after accepting their requests. There were a good number of these.
Then, the people I actually know in real life. This is when it got tricky. I know I hate the feeling when someone I know ‘unfriends’ me for no reason and thus, being a generally nice person, I tended to avoid chopping people I knew. But you have no idea how many of these people, when I meet them in the street, completely blank me or ignore me, or drop their eyes – sometimes I am lucky to get a grunted ‘hello’. These are the people who then sent me friend requests and I, being the mug, would accept them. However, even afterwards, they never comment. They lurk among the little squares of faces on my profile page and I have no idea as to why we are even connected. Why does that happen? And why am I such a mug as to let them have access to my news (not that I post much news on there nowadays)? So, they got the chop over the weekend – I only hope I don’t meet them when I’m out and about (actually, they’ll probably not notice). And then there are the ‘look at us’ real-life friends who are among your social media connections, whose perceived ‘perfect lives’ leave you feeling a little…….meh (for want of a better word). I want friends who I can relate to, who cheer me up, or who have something in common with me. So, the ‘look at me’ folks are chopped too.
A now dated article on ABC News claims that 150 is “the limit of real friends on social media”. Well, I still have three times that! The report states that, on social media, the label of ‘friends’ includes acquaintances and thus it is not a reliable indicator as to popularity. Another 2016 article brings into focus the sense of validation that having a lot of friends, and thus acquiring a lot of ‘likes’ on posts, can bring an individual. Dr Hurd likens social media to a “crutch” on which individuals rely; it “becomes a way to replace or compensate for the authentic, confident, self-validation one lacks”. However, Dr Hurd argues that “intellectually self-sufficient individuals” don’t need this validation; while feedback may be appreciated, it is not used as an emotional crutch in order to boost self-esteem. This doesn’t mean that social media use is an indicator of poor self-esteem, but rather, according to Dr Hurd, it is more down to how these platforms are viewed by the user and then utilised: for example, is an individual using social media for the gaining of information or connecting with family/friends, or is an individual using it purely to receive comments/likes and to feel good about yourself? Personally, I don’t see there being any harm about self-confidence increasing, but I have seen cases when acquaintances post several selfies a day, change their profile pictures on a daily basis, and it does seem a little…….obvious? We all know what the person looks like – why yet another selfie? “Felt cute, might delete later” never does get deleted. Instead, it hangs about for as many likes as it can get.
I still have too many ‘friends’ – I will no doubt hone down my list further over the years. I have never had a large circle of friends in reality let alone online. However, I love the fact that through Facebook (I am using FB instead of ‘social media’ as I don’t use Twitter now and rarely use Instagram) I have connected with so many of my former school classmates – from my primary school, through to Sixth Form. I love the fact that I can keep in touch with family members easier (although I will always prefer phone calls or pen and paper to private messages and status comments). I love the fact that I can connect with charity fund-raising through this medium; I have so greatly appreciated the thousands of £s that my Facebook contingent have helped me to raise over the years. And I love the fact that I have made friends for life with a lovely couple from the US who moved to Edinburgh for a year in their retirement. Susan gave me a couple of very precious American poetry books, whilst Marc and I can talk Mazda MX-5s for ages! In this case, it has been like maintaining digital pen-pals.
But, as we are on the verge of starting another chapter away from the Scottish Borders, it’s time to only take the friends with me who I value most. If I ever log onto Facebook, it is mainly for information but will occasionally connect with my remaining friends, in the knowledge that they really are friends.
I wish they would bring back that sheep-throwing function……..
June's Jottings 